When Goldman Sachs C.E.O. Lloyd Blankfein officially passes the baton to his successor, David Solomon, next month, he’s got big plans for how he plans to spend his retirement. Namely, he’s suggested that, free from the shackles of his corporate overlords, he’s going to start trolling the shit out of Donald Trump. We’re talking snarky re-tweets, getting all up in Donny Jr.’s mentions—the works. To do so, he’ll obviously need an office, and like any investment bank worth its salt, Goldman is providing Blankfein—who will serve as an “adviser” to the company—with luxe, spacious accommodations approximately three times the size of most New Yorkers’ apartments. And the twentysomething worker bees at the firm are pissed.
According to Fox Business’s Charlie Gasparino, Goldman’s decision to construct a new office for the soon-to-be former C.E.O. with a “coveted view of the Hudson River,” rather than off-load in some rubber room on the fourth floor looking out at the Conrad Hotel, has “touched off a quiet, populist revolt” among analysts and associates, who pull down six figures just out of college and view themselves as the “have-nots” of the firm. To them, the space is a slap in the face, and a symbol of their struggle:
While people like Blankfein are practically rolling in cash, analysts and associates—who might as well be bricklayers, were it not for all the money they’re making—are forced to endure conditions that human-rights watchdogs would undoubtedly describe as inhumane and beyond comprehension.
Although a spokesperson for the bank insisted that that Blankfein’s office will cost no more than $100,000, and that rumors of unrest among the peasants are highly overblown, sources familiar with the matter tell Gasparino the real figure “could exceed $500,000.” And while, thus far, there have been no reports of a group of associates spray-painting the words “CAPITALIST SCUM” across the walls of senior executives’ offices, it may only be a matter of time before the uprising.
We don’t want to be dramatic, but historians tell us that those exact words were heard just before the storming of the Bastille. Lloyd, if you see an angry horde of zip-up fleeces rounding the corner, call security.
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Trump’s trade war continues to thrill U.S. business owners
According to an industry survey by the Business Roundtable released Monday, almost two-thirds of C.E.O.s said the president’s recent tariffs and expected future trade tensions will cause them to put capital investments on ice. In addition, plans for hiring have slowed, and just 2 percent of chief executives expect a “positive effect” from Trump’s trade policies. Meanwhile:
“If you are kind of in the middle- or lower-income groups, you are buying a lot of what economists call tradable goods and you’ll be hit a lot harder,” Kyle Handley, assistant professor of business economics and public policy at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, told Politico. “This is basically the Trump voter who is going to see the biggest hit to their total spending.”
The White House is going to divert millions from cancer and HIV/AIDs research to fund kiddie prisons
From the people who brought you “divulging classified intelligence to Russian operatives in the Oval Office,” comes another brilliant idea:
In a statement, H.H.S. Deputy Secretary Eric Hargan told CNN that the “need for additional funds has grown . . . due to the continual increase of unaccompanied alien children at the border,” not mentioning the administration‘s fondness for holding minors in detention facilities.
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